むずがしい。
Difficult for those who don't speak Japanese. That's where my life is at right now. In another difficult standstill. Expect now, its effecting everything. School, social life, relationship, wor-- wait, not work. I'm doing pretty well in the area. Then again, I did just get a raise for my hard work and plated smile on my face every time I walked it those doors. But, I actually love my job. Great hours, very flexible, boss is amazing, great people I work with. My class? There getting there. Japanese? Great. Animation? Wonderful, though tons of work, though worth it. Anthrobio? >___> Thats another story, though I am trying. (Not that much of a science person to begin with).
Now as for my relationship? Man do I have to work on that. Why in the hell is it so hard? I think because of my former boyfriend, that I am now incapable to open up like I use to. And its effecting the current relationship that I'm in now.. Hmm, Try to get help? Nope, that's out of the question. I'm too damn stubborn for that. I'm too independent for that and I think thats one of my greatest faults, my pride and independence. Maybe because the former relationship had ruin so many things for me that I'v lost part of who I was? And now in this current relationship its costing me dearly? Lets the list out all thats going on: Communication, Dependence, Openness, etc.
Dependence: I was always taught as a child growing up that its best to be independent, to not to rely on anyone so that way you can do what you want. I still think that. So yes, its very hard for my to depend on someone now. I love my independence, I love taking care of myself. Then again it is nice to have someone there to rely on from time to time. So why is it so hard for me to be a little dependent when you want to help me and I push you away? I don't want to be let down again. Its not your fault, I'm aware of that. I'm trying here. But thats not good enough is it? LOL, you tell me that I say that all the time and now I'm eating my own words. Karma is a bitch.
Communication: Another huge contradiction. I want someone that can talk to me about everything, yet, I can't even open up my damn mouth and say whats on my mind when you ask me. Funny, ne? Very. So much you want me to say yet I can't bring myself to open up and say it. I'm a mute though everything I do say is in my mind. If you were a better mind-reader, this would be a prefect relationship. Yet no, this is something else I also have to work on.
Openness: My other fault and something else I seem to forgotten how to do. Your open to me so why haven't I opened up to? Another great question which I'll have to answer sooner or later.
Maybe something in me snapped a year ago? For me to shut down so much of myself and to distance myself now. Not like me at all. I use to smile, I use to laugh. Now? I'm mostly serious, and bitter. Man I want my old Teya back. The one who was laid back and didn't care too much. I have to regain myself, my old self that is. For starters, I'm going to open up myself again and start letting myself heal. And Your going to help me, won't you, Otto? Because you love me too damn much to let me go and the same feelings for me apply to you.
Lets get to work, ne?
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